The Downill/Upward Slide

I haven’t posted in a while. My weight has been stable, I’ve been doing 24-hour fasts one or two days a week. I didn’t regain the 9 I lost when I did the 4-day fast, which makes me think it was real fat I lost, not just water.

I’ve also been struggling with loathing my body. I want to love my body, I just have SO much baggage – a whole lifetime’s worth.

This morning I went for a run and I was trying to focus on thinking about my entire journey, not just the last 10 years. Because over the entire arc of my life, things are looking pretty good. Over the last 10 years, I am NOT happy. Since I passed 40 it’s been a long downhill (or rather upward) trajectory. I gain weight and nothing I try seems to change it.

Yet, if I consider where I started (weighing ~400 pounds) I should be ecstatic – I’m still keeping 175 pounds off! I just want to be 25 pounds down from where I am. But nothing I do is working, now that I’m 43 my body simply won’t tolerate further attempts to lose. I’m tired of it all.

I do wonder if other people who have lost massive amounts of weight hit a similar wall. I think it’s hormonal. I wonder if others in my boat have a similar situation where they are able to maintain a huge loss for 10+ years but then once they hit 40 (or 50, or whatever their personal limit is) and suddenly the hormonal changes take hold and nothing they do can keep them from gaining a certain amount. At least I appear to be holding the line here where I am (for now). Maybe evolutionarily speaking, holding 25 extra pounds is something my body needs to do at this age? It doesn’t seem right to me, but there are so few people in my situation that it’s hard to have any basis of comparison.


NYT Thinks They Just Discovered What I’ve Been Saying For Years

They should just hire me to write their articles on weight loss. Today the New York Times published a follow-up story to the one on Monday about the Biggest Loser (I wish so hard I didn’t have to have a tag for that bloody show), and in it they confirm just about EVERY SINGLE THING I’ve been saying here on this blog for years. Their article:

Short Answers to Hard Questions About Weight Loss

You guys, I’ve said all of these things, but years ago! I’ve been here saying this stuff all along.

Like, for example, it doesn’t matter if you lose weight slow or lose weight fast – I said that in 2012. Although, granted, their reason for why it doesn’t matter isn’t quite the same as mine. They do, however, confirm that losing it fast gives a higher chance of keeping people engaged long enough to actually meet their goals.

I’ve said again and again that strength training doesn’t do much to increase my metabolism (nothing really does). They agree.

They say you should try one diet after another until you find the one that works for you. I said the same thing in 2011.

The only hope they have to offer is that of constant vigilance. Hell, not only have I said that forever, I even told you where to find the handbook for long-term weight management in 2011. So that, you know, if you wanted to try you’d have a handy reference guide that lays it all out. As well as talking about the day-in-day-out steps I take to implement that vigilance for over 13 years.

I should write a book. How do I get a book contract? These people…acting like they just discovered long-term weight management. That’s just getting annoying now to those of us who’ve been practicing it for years.

First Week Results

I know you’re all dying to know how I did this week. I did great! I stayed on my program without a single slip! I had 48 servings of fruits/veggies! I had 36 meal replacements. I burned 3,795 calories in physical activity (the minimum is 2000, so I blew that minimum out of the water!). I averaged a net caloric intake of ~800 calories per day (that’s net – total I was averaging 1300-1500 a day so quit clutching yer pearls it’s not a starvation diet).

And for all my efforts I was rewarded with a single pound loss. Added to the first half week loss my total loss so far is 2.3 pounds. Whoopdefuckindoo.


I am accustomed to seeing a big loss the first week. This was not that. This is possibly the smallest, most pathetic loss I’ve ever seen in the first week. This is depressing because it always slows down after the first week. :-O

I was super depressed about it for a while, but then I squared my shoulders and reminded myself that I signed on for 12 weeks, so I’m staying the course and keeping on target to see this bloody thing through for 12 weeks. Regardless of what I see on the scale.

In twelve weeks I’ll either have lost the 10-20 goddamned pounds I wanted to lose, or I won’t, but either way I certainly won’t have gained any weight in that time. I fucking hope. *crosses fingers*

I could definitely use your best pep talk though, if you have one spare lying around…

Blitz Week 2: Strong Start Day

I like to say I had a Strong Start Day, but honestly…today was like every other blitz day. I’m in my rut, and my focus switch is flipped!

I did my DVD workout this morning, which was only 30 minutes of strength circuit training, so this afternoon after I logged off of work I went for a walk. It was not a pleasant walk because I should have eaten something before I headed out and I didn’t, but I finished it. There’s no other option when you’re already out there walking, really.

I cooked this evening! I made sauteed green beans! I sort of followed this recipe, except I left out the scallions because who needs garnish, and I left out the ginger because I didn’t have any, and I substituted a couple squirts of sriracha instead of using a fresh chile, and I only used a shot of Pam instead of 2 tablespoons of oil. And it came out really tasty! I should have boiled the beans a little longer first, I will do that next time. Even with all the substitutions I made, it was delicious and flavorful. I will make it again.

Another thing on my mind today is that thing I always harp on about ignoring the Diet Media Industrial Complex, because they publish confusing, useless articles way too often. This one is no help to anyone. I’m sure the actual study was chock-full of valuable insights, but the reporting on it is abominable. I have to ignore this type of thing, it’s doing nobody any good.

Today: 3 shakes, 2 entrees, 8 fruits/veggies, totaling ~1350 calories, minus the ~660 I burned in physical activity. Looking good!

Week 9 Results, and a Bit of a Rant

Last night was our last class until after Thanksgiving, there is no class next Wednesday. So naturally the topic the instructor covered was Negative Thinking. Not surviving the holidays, not strategies for getting through Thanksgiving with your eating plan intact. Negative Thinking. Apparently negative thinking is bad and you should stop doing it because it will totally make you fail, and positive thinking is way better, ok? Alright, good luck with that eating-focused holiday you’re going out to face without any support from us next week! Be sure to track your food and exercise!

One of the other students then said, “Uh, what do you mean by tracking exercise?” And the teacher was at a loss to answer because they had not actually provided any materials or instruction on doing said thing. So she said, “Well, you know, like with a pedometer or whatever.” MASSIVE FACEPALM.

I could teach these classes better blindfolded with one hand tied behind my back. I cannot believe how incredibly poorly conceived and executed the “education” portion of this program is. I don’t expect anybody from my class to manage to keep the weight off because they aren’t learning any skills for doing that.The thing that pisses me off the most is that they will all go on to gain it back and them blame themselves for failing, when the problem is that the program they paid a fortune for didn’t actually provide them with any tools to do it. I consider that to be incompetence bordering on criminal negligence.

Fortunately for me I already have strategies for handling the Holiday Festive Eating Season.

Probably not the case for people who haven’t already been doing this for 10 years. I feel badly for them.

Change this week: -1.5
Total so far: -28

Husband wasn’t at class last night due to a schedule conflict. He’s looking great though.

Week 8 Results

Tonight we talked about “lifestyle activities” that burn calories, like taking the stairs instead of the elevator, parking further away and walking, etc.

It is absolutely pathetic that I’ve fallen into the habit of driving to work every day in the last several months. I should be riding my bike or walking every day, yet every morning I think, “Oh I don’t have time I’ll just drive,” or “Oh, I feel a little weak, I’ll just drive…” That’s silly. I vow to ride my bike to work tomorrow, and keep doing it unless it is raining or snowing. Sheesh I’ve gotten lazy. The other thing I can do is stand during webex meetings at work. Which is most of my work day. Stand and pace in my little office – I won’t even be disturbing anybody else because I have an office with a door! No reason I can’t do that instead of surfing the web while sitting on my ass.

Change this week: -1lb
Total so far: -26.5
Husband is down 3, for a total of -36.5. Freakin’ men and their freakin’ fast metabolisms…

This week in my various internet wanderings I’ve been coming across a lot of “love your body” type of bloggers who write things along the lines of, “I just don’t understand people who diet. Quit hating your body! You should just love your body and do what is natural, light exercise and feeding it when it’s hungry…etc….blah blah oblivious blah”

Oh honey. If trying to maintain a healthy weight means I hate my body then I guess guilty as charged. But for people who aren’t YOU, for people who don’t have a relatively normal body, for people like me who got the defective genes, who can gain 30 pounds in 2 months just by not paying attention, for whom light exercise means gaining 3 pounds a week vs hanging on by the fingernails to maintain doing heavy and constant exercise and being hungry most of the day, that is some extremely patronizing bullshit to be lobbing around. If you have not lived in a body like mine, then you do not get to pass judgement on what I must do to maintain it.  And you do not get to speculate on whether or not I love my body.

What you mean when you say…

People like to talk to me about weight loss. This is a problem for me because I actually hate talking about weight loss. I don’t mind writing about it, but if you come up to me in meatspace and start talking about it – I will change the subject. Why? Because people always say things to me which require me to NOT point out their bullshit, and I find that hard. For example, when people talk to me about weight loss (and invariably they start it, because I will not), they say things like:

“I know what to do, I just have to do it.” What you mean when you say that is that you think you know the mechanics of what sorts of actions lead to weight loss – in general, eating less and exercising more – but that you don’t actually have the skills and tools to make that happen. However, since this is invariably said to me as a conversation ender (ending a conversation which I did not start, btw), it closes the door to any kind of constructive discussion of where said skills and tools might be acquirable, or how to go about learning them.

“I’m going to do X diet, except I’m going to…” What you mean when you say that is that you intend to fail, and that you are going to change up the program as presented because you are anticipating failure and want to blame the program (that you customized). Why on earth would you sign up for a program only to customize it on your own? If you are signing on to a reputable program, the program gets results because there is a cadre of scientists, nutritionists, doctors and nurses with years, possibly decades, of improving it based upon research that show the efficacy of that program. You are signing up because you have failed to lose weight following your own custom methods. BECAUSE THEY DON’T WORK. Let the program work – follow it.

“You shouldn’t be eating that!” What you mean when you say that is that YOU shouldn’t be eating that. I actually had somebody who was new to weight loss but knew I was an old pro attempt to slap a cracker out of my hand as it was on the way to my mouth once. I was appalled and let them know, in possibly a more forceful manner than was necessary, but I just couldn’t believe that somebody would do something so inappropriate and infantilizing. I’m working my program, you work yours. I will be responsible for what I consume, and you will be responsible, conversely, for what you consume. That’s the essence of how it works. Personal responsibility.

“Diets don’t work – I just gain it back.” What you mean when you say that is that you have refused to make the lifestyle changes necessary to keep it off, and refuse to accept that it is your responsibility to make the on-going changes, not the responsibility of the diet program. Additionally, you may be telling me that you have failed to follow up on your program by not enrolling in the maintenance phase and taking to heart the lessons in that phase. Or your program has failed to provide those lessons, skills, and tools. That is a bad program.

Hey, I know how hard it is. I know that there are times in life when you fall off that wagon because there are other things that loom higher in priority. But the essence of life-long weight management is dusting yourself off and getting back up on that horse. Er…wagon. And finding the skills and tools to make it work day in and day out.