It used to be true – I used to be keeping those 200 pounds I lost off. I am not anymore. At this point I’m maybe keeping 150 pounds off. That’s not success, that’s failure.
So I’ve been failing. This last year has been a catastrophe. I put all my brutal effort and motivation into losing weight last spring and I got about 10 pounds down to around 207, and they came immediately back after I stopped being constantly on a diet and tried to live a normal life with occasional indulgences such as having dinner with friends once a week. Then I was at I what I considered to be the highest possible weight I could tolerate. That was 217.5. I seemed to hang out there most of last fall, but this year things have resumed their ever-upward drive. This morning I weighed myself after my 3 mile run, when I should have been at my lowest for the day – 224.5. I am a failure and I’ve been debating what to do about that for several weeks now.
My first instinct was to shut down the blog because I’m failing and I cannot tolerate pretending to you all that I am successfully maintaining a weight loss. I am not.
My second instinct was to come clean and let you all know that I am not doing the thing promised on the label here. I am so, so tired of dieting and restricting and denying myself. I’m just bloody sick of it. And even while doing it anyway, I’m still gaining weight.
I exercise more than anybody I know, I restrict my diet more than anybody I know, and still I gain. Since I turned 40 I’ve steadily gained (except for those measly, hard-fought 10 pounds last spring) despite doing all the things I talk about here. So my suggestions and advice are clearly no good. Or not applicable to people over 40 years of age.
So I guess what I’m saying is, this is really hard, I’m not successfully doing it and haven’t been for a couple of years now, and I don’t know how to do it anymore. I emailed my primary care doctor this morning and asked if she had any suggestions, but I doubt anything much will come of that. The usual recommendations are not working so unless she has some super-secret special doctor solution for hard cases that they don’t publicize, I don’t expect much from that corner.
Rest assured that if you’ve been following me but quietly resentful about my prior success, your day has come. I am absolutely as miserable and despondent as I can be about carrying this much weight again.
I’ll let you all know if I come up with any kind of a solution, but in the meantime, I don’t really see any point to posting much here, since the premise of this blog is now a lie.