What is Victory, Even?

I have to admit feeling a little weird about celebrating a 10 pound loss. From where I started to where I am now, 10 pounds is such a small thing. 5% of my original loss, no big deal, right?

I think I’m also celebrating that after all these years, when I got off-track, I only had to lose 10 pounds. That’s a victory! I’m keeping off 200 pounds, but for a while I stopped paying attention and then I snapped back into focus and it could have been so much worse. There have been times when it has been so much worse. In 2013 I had to drop 50 pounds. This time, the ways that I got off track weren’t nearly as damaging as they could have been.

The victory is that I’m getting better and better at this. I’m getting better at sounding the alarm when my habits are out of control. I’m getting better about accepting the work that needs to be done, sooner.

I’m not much of a celebrator, though. I don’t really know what to do, other than to walk around feeling pleased with myself. I don’t enjoy manicures, pedicures, or massages, so those aren’t my go-to for rewarding myself. Honestly, just wearing my jeans yesterday felt like a reward. My jeans, which were uncomfortably tight two months ago, which now fit comfortably, maybe even a tad loosely.

I’m not intending to drop a clothing size, I like where I am now. If I lose the next ten pounds and find that it makes enough of a difference that I’d need to go down a size (which I don’t expect), then I will gain some back. Because I’m not interested in buying another wardrobe.

Another weird thing is when people tell me they can see a difference. Really, ten pounds on someone as tall as me is a very, very small change. Almost unnoticeable unless you are a very keen observer. So when somebody tells me they can see a difference I wonder why they are observing my body so closely and it makes me self-conscious and uncomfortable. I am truly not doing this for any external validation, and when I get it I don’t really know how to react. (not you Allison, you’re my diet buddy, it’s not weird if you notice!)

Which brings me to the opposite – body shaming/fat shaming. This is such a no-go zone for me for obvious reasons that I can’t believe it would ever happen. But no, I don’t find jokes about fat people funny, I don’t think anybody I know “needs to lose a few”. While I may be a somewhat normal size right now, my formative life experiences were all gained while I was morbidly obese. I don’t find mockery, concern trolling, or other body commentary amusing in the least. I don’t even like it when my friends talk negatively about their own bodies. If you’re my friend, you are beautiful and perfect just the way you are. JUST THE WAY YOU ARE. And I will never, ever suggest to you or anybody else that you need to lose weight. That’s none of my business. Or anybody else’s. I will do everything I can to support you if you decide you want to. Just don’t expect me to offer advice or suggestions without solicitation. That’s rude.

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