You guys. I don’t often talk about emotional stuff, you know I’m very “by the numbers, do the thing, write it down, math it out.” But this week, boy.
I’m suffering from some epic-level depression this week. I won’t even begin to go into what kicked it off, because in the end, this is a chemical thing that’s happening in my brain and it doesn’t matter what my brain is telling me – they’re lies. Depression is a lying liar who lies. It will tell you it’s there because nobody likes you, or people you thought were friends don’t even consider you an afterthought, or because you aren’t good enough, don’t work hard enough, are useless, or whatever. Does it matter? Yes, because it hurts, but no because it’s lies that are the result of a chemical imbalance.
I’ve suffered from depression on and off since forever. I’ve tried treating it with anti-depressants but that doesn’t work for me (I’ve tried almost all of them). CBT has worked for me in the past, and sometimes can work for me when I remember to do it. But honestly…it has to pass. For me, it’s episodic. It runs its course and eventually passes. I try not to do anything that will cause lasting damage in the meantime. Either to me, or my relationships with my loved ones.
I also continue exercising and eating right. Seems like a tall order, huh? But I continue exercising for two reasons. One: I hope that it will help to lift my mood with endorphins or some shit. Science doesn’t seem to have agreement on whether that works. My hope springs eternal that it might. And two: I’ll feel worse if I don’t do it.
Also it gives me something to focus on for an hour or so that isn’t lies in my head.
As for eating right, well, I don’t need the guilt and mental recriminations that come from making poor food choices. That would absolutely make the depression worse. Plus, my usual eating patterns (the healthy ones) are so habitual and routine that I can do them without thinking, on auto pilot.
So…that’s what’s going on. I’m having a chemical imbalance in my brain. I’m doing everything I can to counter it and keep on doing the right things for my body. Hoping my brain will get in line soon.