It’s a basic fact of my life that I don’t get to eat whatever I want, and I don’t get to eat mindlessly. Ever. I don’t get to be a normal person in that regard, and I resent the hell out of this reality every day. It’s exhausting, tiresome, and boring all at the same time. It’s also a basic fact of my life that I need to exercise vigorously 5-6 days a week, without fail. However this basic fact is something I have little trouble accepting and integrating into my routine, so I don’t resent it nearly so much.
I got the booby prize body, so my cross to bear is dealing with this reality. Everybody has something they have to deal with day in and day out (at least, I like to tell myself this story), and this is mine. If you don’t have something heavy you have to deal regularly with in your life…I don’t even know, why are you here? Life is struggle, princess, and anybody that tells you different is selling something. I’m selling nothing, therefore you can expect the unvarnished truth from me.
I’ve emailed the director of my old HMR program and asked for the schedule and teachers list for maintenance classes. Maintenance classes were part of the original bargain when I started with HMR – when you sign up you agree to do 18 months of maintenance classes. Well, guess what, that’s a great program and it really helped me change my behaviors and lifestyle starting in 2003. BUT…as I’ve discovered over, and over, and over again ever since – I need a tune-up every once in a while. I need to go back and drink from the well and revisit the tools, skills, and behaviors that got me there.
- Tools: The methods and devices that enable us to master psychological functions.
- Skills: Proficiency, facility, or dexterity that is acquired or developed through training or experience.
- Behaviors: The manner in which one behaves. One’s actions or reactions in response to external or internal stimuli.
None of these things are “tricks.” I mention this because I recently saw a comment online wherein somebody peripherally familiar with me and my efforts over the last 14 years asked a friend if he was going to use my “tricks” to help keep off some weight. It would be nice if any of them were tricks, but they are hard-won tools, skills, and behaviors built over years of effort, discipline, and conscious behavior modification. To dismiss them as tricks is condescending and lacks fundamental understanding of the nature of behavioral modification techniques. Fuck you if you think they’re tricks. This isn’t magic or a shell game. This is hard work, discipline, and constant practice, and anybody that thinks differently lacks the inherent empathy to consider that other realities exist outside of their own experience.
I sound angry. I don’t care. It’s one of the steps on my path to acceptance.
I hope to re-start maintenance classes this week. I don’t know how long it will take, but I do know that I’m an antique where the HMR program is concerned. Based on the things I hear from my pal Allie, my info and terminology is obsolete and needs updating. I have a lot to catch up on, plus behaviors that need to be relearned or tightened up. Accountability in particular is something I need when I’m working on behavior modification, which means I’ll be getting on a scale for the first time in over 14 months soon, too. I keep experimenting with ditching the scale and I keep failing. I need the data, apparently, to keep on track. Much as I wish I didn’t.
So that’s the plan. Accountability. Weekly classes. Tighten up my behaviors around food and eating. My exercise regimen is rock solid – I just eat too much food, so that’s where I need to focus my efforts. It means I’ll likely be declining festive and social eating occasions for the near future, and modifying my activities to align with my goals going forward.