Well, I’ve been seriously considering shutting down this blog and here’s why: I don’t feel like much of a success anymore. So either I have to reevaluate what makes me successful, or accept that I am failing and have been for a while now and shut it down.

I’m not keeping off 200 pounds anymore. If I’m lucky I’m keeping off 160 pounds. I guess that’s still pretty good, but it’s not what I want to see in the mirror, or in my clothes. It’s hard to be open and putting it all out there when I feel so insecure about any success I may have had.

If I were to re-focus on what is success criteria (because that’s a useful thought exercise), I would tell you that I’ve been working out 6 days a week for the last month or so. Every morning I do a 30-minute DVD workout, and almost every afternoon I go for a walk that varies from 45 to 70 minutes. That’s a lot of exercise each day. I also limit my caloric intake to under 1600 calories a day (regardless of how much exercise I do). Sounds like I should be having massive success, right?

Some days (usually weekend days) I don’t limit my calories though, some days I just throw my hands up and eat everything in sight because I’m at a party, or out with friends at dinner, or at some other kind of special occasion event, and hope it’ll all balance out. Two or three days like this in a week and, well, I’m not getting any closer to my goals or dropping any of that extra fat that’s making me so unhappy with my body. I’m getting bigger. Maybe I need to go back and re-read my posts about staying on track instead of just thinking I’m bullet-proof because I did it for 12 years. Because now I’m into my 14th year of this and I’m fucking bored of restrictions and starving myself. But I’m also fucking disappointed with myself and the size I’ve become lately, too.

I guess I’m at a crossroads. Shut it down and give up, or, once again, find the inner will and motivation to pull myself together, get a handle on things, and diet for real again. Again.

To be continued. Maybe.


12 Responses to “Crossroads”

  1. Donna Says:

    First, never forget that you are beautiful. Don’t argue with me, you are 🙂
    Second, you lost a whole large person’s worth of weight and have kept if off for a long time … whether that was a 200 lb person or a 160 lb person, that is still an amazing thing.
    As you age, you will find the motivation … those knee pains the other day, excess weight makes those worse, less weight will make it better. Pain may prove a better motivator than vanity in the long run.
    Whether you continue to share your lifelong struggle with the rest of us is up to you, but just having this here to look at when inspiration is needed is useful to many people out here in the land of the internets.

    • Laina Says:

      You are wise, and make a very good point. As I was running this morning I was thinking about those knee pains, and remembering that the only other time I’ve had knee pain in my life was when I was ~400 pounds. I’m nowhere close to there now, but obviously they’re being stressed by the weight I’ve picked up over the last year.
      I may be inching closer to the changes I need to make. Your comments are very helpful. Thank you.

  2. Amy Says:

    I’m a complete stranger but if possible keep the blog up. I have 147 pounds to lose and there’s not a whole bunch of real people inspiring others on the Internet. I haven’t read everything but I’ve made it a goal. Going to classes with a instructor who can’t relate and friends who eat everything are hard to deal with on top of exercise, eating right, water, etc etc etc. Thank you for your blog!!! I hope you find the motivation to push the pounds back down. It’s such a continuous struggle! Good luck!

    • Laina Says:

      Thank you, your comment inspires me and helps me to know that I’m having a positive impact. I appreciate that you took the time to let me know.

  3. Figgy Says:

    It seems you are being hard on yourself. I’ve been following you for several months during my weight loss efforts. I’m sorry to see you are struggling. I’ve been on that slippery slope, too. And given up. And gained all my weight back, three or four times. Last year I was diagnosed with diabetes, which was not really surprising since I had been pre-diabetic the year before. I realized I had come to a crossroads as well, where I had to decide whether to give up ever being healthy again, or if I would do something about it. I chose to do something, and was accepted into Kaiser’s OptiFast program. It’s 10 months later, and I’m still losing weight. I love to eat big portions, so I knew that I had to radically change my diet when I transitioned off OptiFast in October. I decided on a whole foods vegan diet, low sodium, minimal oil, and no refined sugar or flour. I’m so used to this way of eating now, that I’m not even tempted by the things I used to crave. I was really addicted to cheese, bread, deep-fried foods, and red wine. The foods I eat now are so filling, and nutrient dense, that I am very full after eating 1300 calories. Sometimes, once or twice a week, I eat 1500 calories, and over the holidays, I did have some alcohol. That’s when I totally hit a long plateau.

    I’m not sure what you are choosing to eat day in and day out, but it sounds like you could reevaluate what your strategy is. Maybe start weighing, measuring, and tracking everything. It sounds like you have your exercise habit down pat.

    I sure hope you don’t give up. You’ve come so far.

  4. Mette Says:

    I’m also a stranger and have been reading you for a while now. And even if you don’t feel like a success, you truly are! Trying to maintain a weight loss is the most difficult thing I have ever tried to do in my life, and I have failed repeatedly (losing weight, maintaining for a while, then regaining). Reading your blog has been such an inspiration and source of good information on the experiences, joys and struggles, this process consists of. My downfall is always what you describe as being bored of restrictions and starving yourself: I find that living with food restrictions over a long period of time is boring, tiresome and stressful. So I’m constantly trying to find better ways to approach it or live with it. Your blog helps a lot with this. And truly, keeping off 160 pounds since 2003 is not “still pretty good”, it’s revolutionary and mind blowing! Best of luck to you, whatever you decide to do. And thank you for your writing.

  5. Karen Says:

    Never give up. Never surrender. Because how will you look, how will you feel, if you stop now?

    I lost ten pounds since the start of the year, and a large part of my motivation was your blog. This blog. The workout tip alone are worth it. I think giving up and walking away will make you more unhappy.

  6. Diane Says:

    I just wanted to let you know that I too have found lots of useful information and inspiration on your site, and I am sorry to hear that you are struggling. Like many other people out there I have also have lost weight only to gain it back several times. I am currently trying yet again on the HMR at Home diet. After a recent trip to the grocery store I came home amazed that there is anyone left in this country that is not obese.

    Donna is right you are beautiful. Your intelligence, honesty and generosity shine through in this blog. Whatever you decide to do with your blog, please know that there lots of other people out here who wish you well and are sending you rays of love and support. Never give up on your health. The world needs more people like you.

  7. Heather Says:

    PLEASE don’t shut it down!! I just found your blog today, and it’s super inspiring with tons of great info. I’ve already added it to my bookmarks to keep reading later. I’m currently in my 4th week of a 12 week VLCD and need motivation like this blog!!

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