Well, I’ve been seriously considering shutting down this blog and here’s why: I don’t feel like much of a success anymore. So either I have to reevaluate what makes me successful, or accept that I am failing and have been for a while now and shut it down.
I’m not keeping off 200 pounds anymore. If I’m lucky I’m keeping off 160 pounds. I guess that’s still pretty good, but it’s not what I want to see in the mirror, or in my clothes. It’s hard to be open and putting it all out there when I feel so insecure about any success I may have had.
If I were to re-focus on what is success criteria (because that’s a useful thought exercise), I would tell you that I’ve been working out 6 days a week for the last month or so. Every morning I do a 30-minute DVD workout, and almost every afternoon I go for a walk that varies from 45 to 70 minutes. That’s a lot of exercise each day. I also limit my caloric intake to under 1600 calories a day (regardless of how much exercise I do). Sounds like I should be having massive success, right?
Some days (usually weekend days) I don’t limit my calories though, some days I just throw my hands up and eat everything in sight because I’m at a party, or out with friends at dinner, or at some other kind of special occasion event, and hope it’ll all balance out. Two or three days like this in a week and, well, I’m not getting any closer to my goals or dropping any of that extra fat that’s making me so unhappy with my body. I’m getting bigger. Maybe I need to go back and re-read my posts about staying on track instead of just thinking I’m bullet-proof because I did it for 12 years. Because now I’m into my 14th year of this and I’m fucking bored of restrictions and starving myself. But I’m also fucking disappointed with myself and the size I’ve become lately, too.
I guess I’m at a crossroads. Shut it down and give up, or, once again, find the inner will and motivation to pull myself together, get a handle on things, and diet for real again. Again.
To be continued. Maybe.