I’ve struggled with a lot of shame and embarrassment around needing to do this again. I got so used to being a “success” that realizing I wasn’t anymore and needed outside help to get myself on track felt like a failure. I mean, I kept it off for almost 10 years! And now…to suddenly just fall off the wagon seems so bizarre. I hear from people (people on the internet, mostly) that to make something a habit you have to do it for (insert number of days/months). Well, I far exceeded all of those time spans and still maintaining my weight didn’t become a habit.
This is the point at which I utterly and completely embrace the phrase, “life-long struggle.” I don’t know why I thought that a few years of success meant that wouldn’t apply to me, or that I’d seamlessly integrated the struggle into my life without resenting it or risking slipping off the edge, but I fully and completely recognize now that there is no forever. There is no habit. It is going to be a fighting, kicking, ranting, screaming, hanging-on-by-the-fingernails fight until the day I die.
And then I forgave myself. For my hubris. I hope that others will do the same for me. It’s easy, when it’s working, to wonder why other people can’t do it themselves, when you’re doing it. But when it’s not working, it’s easy to hate the people who ARE doing it, just a little bit.
I forgave myself because I am doing it, now. I picked up my head trip and packed it away, found my way back to a path, swallowed my pride and I’m ready to try, try again. I lost 200 pounds, then I gained 50 back and now I need help. I’ve been beating myself up over this pretty badly. And then I remembered that the fact that I’m doing something about it means I’m not a total failure – I’m still in the ring. I’m still in this fight and I can still get back on top.
If I had a friend who’d lost 40 pounds then gained 10 back I wouldn’t call her a failure, I’d salute the work it took for her to lose the weight, and mention that sometimes you can’t keep it all off, but even keeping some of it off is a success, and that she should be praised for her hard work. Proportionally speaking, I’m in the same boat, but I’ve been acting like that makes me a miserable failure. Bah.
Last night was my first Optifast class. We don’t actually start on the meal replacements today though. It’s an odd way to set things up, we ordered the food last night, then this week we’re supposed to clear out our kitchens and prepare to start on the MRs next week when they arrive. We are also supposed to journal what we eat this week and “try to reduce your calories so going to 960/day next week will be easier.” This makes sense, however they didn’t give us any tools for how to do this, which I think is a bit of an oversight. Either they want us to do it and give us tools, or they don’t particularly care if we do it but added that sentence in to make us feel like they were providing some sort of value in this first week while we wait for the real program to start.
And finally, they use a fancy body composition monitoring scale. It said that my Base Metabolic Rate is 1827 right now. That’s somewhat demoralizing. When I get down to where I want to be my BMR will be around 1500. *grumpy face*