So, uh, hi. Been a while.
Last year I went through a pretty devastating depression, and my diet and exercise program never recovered. I actually made a conscious choice to focus on my mental health and sort of let go on the maintaining side over the last year or so. I knew it meant that at some future point I would need to do some hard work to reclaim the ground I’d lost but it was a worthwhile trade.
That’s the dirty dark side of maintaining, as I’m sure everybody reading here knows. It takes a lot of mental effort and energy. It takes a lot of physical effort and energy. And sometimes you have a crisis where survival means letting one thing go so you can focus on not fucking killing yourself, or becoming homeless, or what have you. So I made a choice that I knew would have consequences and now here I am, ready to face those consequences. Looking forward to facing them, actually. I need a win and this is an area where I think I can find one.
So tonight I take my first step to see if I can get some help. To get back to where I was when I started this blog, I need to lose 20 pounds. To get back to my happy weight, I need to lose 40. To get back to a “normal” BMI I’d need to lose 50.
I don’t know if I can do it. There’s no certainty in anything in life, though. I don’t know that I’m through my depression, I sort of think that maybe doubting myself, feeling lethargic, feeling unhappy about my job, feeling old and worn out and useless….maybe it’s just my new normal. I’m worried and apprehensive because I’d been getting steadily diminishing returns with my weight loss efforts prior to this last year. But then, I hadn’t firmly asked for help in the way I’m about to. I honestly don’t know if I can do what I need and want to do, because I’ve gotten so far outside of the mindset that I can barely even recognize myself in the old blog posts here that I just scrolled through. You could say I’ve hit bottom and now it’s time for me to rise again. I have a small hope that getting my weight management systems back on line might help in a lot of different areas of my life. I need a win. And I need some help.