It’s time.

So, uh, hi. Been a while.

Last year I went through a pretty devastating depression, and my diet and exercise program never recovered. I actually made a conscious choice to focus on my mental health and sort of let go on the maintaining side over the last year or so. I knew it meant that at some future point I would need to do some hard work to reclaim the ground I’d lost but it was a worthwhile trade.

That’s the dirty dark side of maintaining, as I’m sure everybody reading here knows. It takes a lot of mental effort and energy. It takes a lot of physical effort and energy. And sometimes you have a crisis where survival means letting one thing go so you can focus on not fucking killing yourself, or becoming homeless, or what have you. So I made a choice that I knew would have consequences and now here I am, ready to face those consequences. Looking forward to facing them, actually. I need a win and this is an area where I think I can find one.

So tonight I take my first step to see if I can get some help. To get back to where I was when I started this blog, I need to lose 20 pounds. To get back to my happy weight, I need to lose 40. To get back to a “normal” BMI I’d need to lose 50.

I don’t know if I can do it. There’s no certainty in anything in life, though. I don’t know that I’m through my depression, I sort of think that maybe doubting myself, feeling lethargic, feeling unhappy about my job, feeling old and worn out and useless….maybe it’s just my new normal. I’m worried and apprehensive because I’d been getting steadily diminishing returns with my weight loss efforts prior to this last year. But then, I hadn’t firmly asked for help in the way I’m about to. I honestly don’t know if I can do what I need and want to do, because I’ve gotten so far outside of the mindset that I can barely even recognize myself in the old blog posts here that I just scrolled through. You could say I’ve hit bottom and now it’s time for me to rise again. I have a small hope that getting my weight management systems back on line might help in a lot of different areas of my life. I need a win. And I need some help.

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10 Responses to “It’s time.”

  1. Caron Says:

    Welcome back, Laina. I am wishing you the very best in losing the surplus pounds and then maintaining that loss. You really are not that far off track, but losing is hard be it five pounds or 100. So much of it is mental as you well know.

    I also had years of success (six to be exact), but then had two years totally off track because I succumbed to the stress of a job which I eventually lost. That was a blessing in disguise, but only because I could survive without the job. If I had depended on it, it would have made things so much worse.

    I hope you will keep us updated. Thanks for emailing me back. 🙂

  2. Karen Williams Says:

    Clearly, you are Batman. You have fallen to the bottom of the well that no one comes out of. Except Batman, of course. And since you’re Batman, too, well, you’ll find your way out.

  3. Monica Says:

    Please let me know if there’s anything I can do to help. I’m currently in a weight-loss holding pattern as I’m forbidden to lose weight while pregnant.. but it’s definitely on my post-birth to-do list. I lost 60 lbs a few years ago but then started back-sliding when I hit a high-stress/depressing time. I’m hopeful that by the time the baby’s born I’ll be back in a nice steady situation which is conducive to weight loss.

  4. nibuca Says:

    Please let me know if there’s anything I can do to help. I’m currently in a weight-loss holding pattern as I’m forbidden to lose weight while pregnant.. but it’s definitely on my post-birth to-do list. I lost 60 lbs a few years ago but then started back-sliding when I hit a high-stress/depressing time. I’m hopeful that by the time the baby’s born I’ll be back in a nice steady situation which is conducive to weight loss.

  5. Tracy Renae Cote Serros Says:

    Good luck to you, Laina! I think being mentally ready is one of the biggest hurdles… I am currently on a weight loss plan (again), it’s hard because I have so much to lose (at least 40 more lbs), but it feels better to be working in the right direction, even if the road seems long… I know for me, not being in control of my eating and fitness chips away at my energy and self-esteem even when I’m not focusing on them. Even though overall it’s hard to maintain so much focus and work, it’s worth it to me when I have those little moments of realizing that I feel physically better and have more energy. It’s still a battle – as you said, it takes a lot of mental effort and energy. And at least for me, it’s not all in the right direction all the time… but even a little momentum in the right direction beats the hell out of moving in the wrong direction – that too takes a lot of energy, or drains it, I guess… I’m rooting for you!! Hoping you find strength, success and well-being!!!

  6. Jane Says:

    Got your back, Laina – just keep reaching out. It is all one day at a time. You can get it back one hour at a time if that works for you. Take each and every step – one day at a time.

  7. Losing The Rolls Says:

    Wishing you the best. You can do it!

  8. Donna Says:

    Laina, you can do it. You are fabulous and beautiful and smart and talented. That’s not just my opinion, anyone who knows you and has any taste knows this. When it comes to dropping the pounds and keeping them off, you are a super hero … you just need to re-charge the super power. Heck, I stuck to my exercise plan all five days of this week and dropped two pounds in the process. If your fat old Laurel-Grandma can do it, the young and spry Laina can do it. Go you!!

  9. snapshotstacy Says:

    Glad to see you back, sweetie!!
    Know that we’re all here to support you in your journey/goals.
    You’re awesome and gorgeous and an adventuring phenom, so I at least totally know YOU’VE GOT THIS!

    Knowing you need the support & actually asking for it is one of the hardest steps to take. I’m so proud of you for taking that leap. *hugs*

  10. Karla Says:

    I feel sometimes that my life story can be recapped in two words

    Start over

    here we go again 🙂
    a new day
    a new beginning, yes you, I … we need a win in some area … weight management is the area I can (you can) control … lets do this thing!!!


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