Friday I had an epiphany. Not in a good way. I went to try on my favorite blue cocktail dress and it was much too tight to wear. I know that I last wore it about a year and a half ago. To NOT be able to wear it when I wanted to jolted me out of my fantasy.
I had a rough winter, I was chemically depressed due to medication and my thinking became skewed. I continued to exercise at normal levels but I didn’t bring any discipline whatsoever to my intake. I ate whatever I wanted – it was weird, it was almost like some kind of mania came over me, I was eating whatever I wanted. I haven’t done that since…10 years ago. As much as I would love to live in a world where my body didn’t gain weight if I ate whatever I wanted so long as I exercised…I didn’t get that body, nor that metabolism. That fantasy doesn’t exist for me. I know that I have to control BOTH diet and exercise to maintain my weight, but for about 8 months I just…didn’t. I had a lot of other stuff going on, yes. This is, however, the first time I’ve actually just…let go.
Well, Friday jolted me back. We spent the weekend at a Masonic retreat for my husband’s upcoming duties, and I hit the gym both Saturday and Sunday morning. Yesterday I lifted weights so hard I’m sore today. But today I got up and ran on the treadmill hard anyway. Right now I’m sitting at the Sacramento airport, waiting for my flight to San Diego where I’ll spend the week at the Enterprise Data World conference learning about new developments in my industry, but I know that the hotel has a gym, and I’m committing right now to hitting the gym every single day. While exercise hasn’t been my main issue with this recent gain, it has been something I’ve been haphazard about committing to, not going if it seemed boring or the weather was a little off or I was feeling tired or whatever. Now I’m committed.
As for food: I am not going to be eating desserts while I’m stuck at the hotel this week. I’m not going to be eating pastries or the other types of baked goods they offer for snacks in the afternoon. I’m going to re-institute my policy of choosing the menu items for dinner that have the lowest caloric load, not whatever tastes good.
I’m really angry about this, but not at myself. Just…angry. Motivated. Re-committed. Determined. I’m not despondent, I don’t hate my body or anything, I just need to get back on track and now is the time.
Alas, I have photographic evidence that all is not hopeless. Last night before dinner my handsome husband and I took this picture, which just became my favorite picture of me (and him). First try, no re-touching, and we BOTH look good, how often does that happen?!
Anyway…I’m buckling down. I want to wear my blue dress again and soon!