Jury Duty really knocked my program out of whack, as when I got home every evening I was completely and utterly wiped out. The emotional toll that sitting jury for a murder trail would take was a complete surprise to me. Now that the case is over, I’ve got a few spare cycles in my brain, and the conclusions I’m coming too aren’t the best thoughts to be having for motivation.
As I told you, I started off January with a bang, tracking my food, dieting hard, exercising as much as I could possibly fit into my schedule. What I found was that I dropped about 7.5 pounds in the first two weeks, and thereafter I was up 2 pounds no matter what I did. It seemed that the stricter I was with my diet (I was averaging 950-1000 calories net per day) I was not going to drop down below the 5.5 pound loss I’d seen. I wandered around up above that number for several weeks, despite stricter and stricter regimens, but no luck.
What it seems I’m learning is that there is nothing I can do to lose any more weight. And the difference between denying myself and feeling hungry all the time, vs being lax and enjoying food and free time is: about 3 pounds.
It’s hard to stay motivated with this kind of feedback. Also, I look fine – here is a picture my husband took this weekend. It’s hard for me to kill myself with strictness and discipline when I feel like it’s not getting me anywhere and where I am now is just fine. I may have to re-evaluate just how necessary it is for me to even bother.
I don’t really know that I have a point here. I guess I’m just extremely dispirited and wondering if what I’m finding is a valid realization: could I just settle and be fine with my body without being strict with it one day? Recognizing that I’m never going to be a size 10 or even 12 ever again?
Maybe I’m deluded. My BMI says I’m overweight – significantly, even. Yet I’m not sure how much more I could do to change that. I’ve already seen that all the effort in the world doesn’t seem to make a difference. Have I reached the mythical (and possible fallacious) “set point”? I’m not even sure I believe in it, but it seems to believe in me. Or maybe what I’m seeing is the culmination of 10 years of harsh dieting regimens. Maybe what I’m seeing is my body demonstrating “Diet Fatigue” and just saying Enough is Enough. I just don’t know but it’s something I’ve noticed over the last several years – severely diminishing returns upon every attempt to lose. I’m not sure if I have a path forward, or if I even need one.