I’m feeling a bit down lately about the whole long-term outlook for me and maintaining. I weighed in on Tuesday, after working hard all week, to find no change. It shouldn’t have slowed down, much less stopped, already – on week 2. I should still be losing, at least a half pound, according to my math.
And then I start to worry, and think that maybe these guys are right after all. Maybe fat is incurable after all. Maybe I’ve had a good run, but I’m seeing the trend now that’s going to be the rest of my life – a slow, inexorable climb back up to 300, maybe 400 pounds. Maybe I’ll have small phases where I can hold the line for a few months, but it seems like the last few years have been a slow climb that I’m powerless to stop or reverse.
I’m not sure what to do, starving myself doesn’t seem to work. Running 25 miles in a week worked a little, but that’s not a realistic long-term strategy for me.
Then I start to wonder if it’s stress. My job has been terribly, wickedly stressful these last two years. The time I took a year and a half off, living off of savings while I sorted some stuff out, I was in the best shape of my life – I could spend my day however I liked, so I made sure to get a good workout every day, including full-body strength training, I ate well, I was active, not sitting in a chair all day. So obviously if I could quit my job and focus on maintaining my weight maybe I could get things back where I want them. But who is going to be able to manage that kind of idle lifestyle? Rich people, maybe, of which I am not one. I am the middle class, and if I want to remain there and not fall into poverty I need to work for a living.
So I wonder if that’s the trade-off: Work for a living, or be in great shape. I want to be happy with my body as it is, even though I’m above where I would like to be. I’m not sure how to get there – to acceptance. If this is my life. I think step one is to continue to dress myself in flattering styles and colors, every day, regardless of the number on the scale. Step two is to kill off negative self-talk. This is the hard one. This is the mind-killer, for all women. How do you do that, when society tells you that to be beautiful you must be starving?
Yet I know differently, the most beautiful, strong, intelligent women I know don’t starve themselves, they have some padding and I love them for it. Beauty comes in all shapes and sizes, I know this and I firmly believe it – the women I find most attractive span the gamut but mostly fall into the “curvy” camp. So…why can’t I love and celebrate me with an extra 10, 20, or 30, heck someday 40 pounds? Why can’t I accept myself the way I accept other women? I wonder if they agonize in the same way?
How do I get there? Because dieting seems to be broken for me. Have I finally broken my metabolism for good?
I just don’t know.
What I do know is I leave tomorrow for Iceland and Greenland for 3 weeks on vacation. I guess I’ll see where I want to go with this after I get home.