Today I did the usual things I do: Packed my lunch, didn’t deviate from my plan, didn’t eat any of the candy still hanging around the office. I have an appointment to go to the gym after work for strength training that I will keep. Tonight I’ll have a portion-controlled dinner and maybe a walk.
I’ve been thinking a lot about how sometimes it seems so unfair that I have to work so hard to keep my weight under control. I asked my doctor once, when I was in a medically-monitored weight loss program, if I would ever be like a normal person in this regard, or if I would have to pay attention to my weight like this forever, and he looked at me helplessly, shook his head and said, “Sorry.”
I was briefly angry and resentful about it, but I came to the realization that there’s no point being angry. There’s nobody to be angry at. Being sad about it won’t change my reality. So I accept this reality and get on with it.
But even more importantly, since that day I’ve really embraced the attitude that WHY I eat is not nearly important as WHAT I eat. I’ve never really thought that spending a lot of time in therapy figuring out why I overate most of my life was a worthwhile exercise for me. It doesn’t help me control my portions, it doesn’t make me less hungry, so in practical terms it gives me nothing. I’m not sure I’m normal in that regard – I just don’t care why, unless that will magically give me the tools and skills I need. For me, it’s just more important to focus on my day-to-day skills and behaviors and leave the theory for the researchers.